Being That You Brought Her, I Trust You Shall Be So Kind As To Pelham Manor

Oh my goodness. Did you know that some unemployed high-powered executive-type males have had to (GASP) STAY HOME AND CARE FOR THE CHILDREN??? The New York Times confirms it is true. At least in Pelham Manor, New York. Pelham Manor? Really? Your whole rich people suburb is one manor? How does that work? Was "Fancypants Acres" taken? Hold on while I add this to the list of things I hate and fear. Okay.

Titans of industry are losing their jobs left and right in ye olde Pelham Manor, so some of these unfortunate fellows have had to stay home with the kids while their wives work. What is this world coming to, when men who were once paid way too much to buy and sell things that are not real must stay home and raise little humans while their helpless, delicate wives go out and earn the money? The men have to cook dinner and pick kids up from school, while the women are presumably being preyed upon by wolves and mustache-twirling villains in the forest outside the village. The whole natural order of things is upset! Pelham Manor, I feel like I don't even know you any more!

Things are looking especially rough for unemployed dad Jerry Levy. He's had trouble fitting in at PTA meetings because he "tends to tackle matters with a bluntness honed in the financial industry" (translation: "is an asshole").* But Jerry has a lot of money saved up, and has taken over many of his wife's chores. Oh yeah, his wife? Doesn't have to work either. And they have a nanny. So, you know, pretty typical American family. Except for the shame--THE SHAME!--of being a stay-at-home dad.

...Mr. Levy said, one uncomfortable aspect of his new life is a certain loss of power. “At work, you are used to everyone listening to you — assistants, accounting, the middle office, sales coverage and outside vendors,” he said. “But try to get your four children to listen to you.”

OH AH HA HA HA HA HA CHILDY ANECDOTES! SOMEONE FETCH ME RAYMOND WHOM EVERYBODY LOVES FORTHWITH, FOR HE WOULD TRULY DELIGHT IN THIS JAPERY. Do you like how he had to list everyone he used to order around? What in hell is a middle office? Do I really need to translate again, when it's clear "everyone listening to you" means "everyone hating me, Jerry Levy"?

Here's the thing. Unless everyone in Pelham Manor is like Lady Levy (and hell, for all I know, they are, but I am trying to operate from a place of optimism), I highly doubt these stay-at-home dads' wives were full-time moms who suddenly went back to work when their husbands got laid off. I bet most of them were already working full-time, or close to it. Those Dutch Colonial homes with negro jockey statues in front aren't going to pay for themselves. I double-or-nothing bet these women were doing the bulk of the child-raising while working, while their financey husbands were crowing about how busy they were doing business and weren't lifting a goddamned finger around the house. Where's their tickertape parade?

More men than women have suffered layoffs in these tough economic times, and it sucks when anyone gets laid off, but that's really just a minor bummer compared to the fact that women are still paid less than men, as has been the case since, oh, the Industrial Revolution and the invention of wage labor. Is it better to get laid off and get unemployment, or continue being marginally employed at a job only because your boss can get away with paying you less than the dude in the next cubicle? The consistent undervaluing of women's labor, paid and unpaid, is the real story here.

Luckily for you, I'm too lazy to get into that story and would much rather just keep making up alternative names for Pelham Manor. Entitlementon. Blancho Villa. Simpleton Keep. George Foreman Jr. Knickerbocker Estates. Schloss Neidstein.



*Also: honing does not result in bluntness. It sort of results in the opposite, sharpness. Nice writing, New York Times.

Wall Street: Where the Stars Come Out to Shine!

The stars of banking, that is. What? You don't know about those stars? Clearly someone is not reading enough New York Times! Crisis Reshaping Wall Street as Stars Begin to Scatter

This article bemoans the loss of "top talent" as bankers from Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, and others flee their sinking ships for the greener pastures of startups and smaller banks, which are hilariously described as "boutique" by the NYT, making me picture them as tony little joints in Paris where the ladies wear big hats and elbow gloves and the men wear smoking jackets and puff on cigars as they look over their monacles to conduct their business transactions.

Threatened by the odious dual threats of less payoff and more fiscal responsibility, some of the very people responsible for driving the economy off a cliff are now abandoning their posts (so much for those "retention" bonuses, huh?)to take ones at these boutique firms that are still intent on chasing fast profits and growth. Because learning your lesson? Ugh! [to steal a turn of phrase from Lady Blogpants]

The cliche of rats fleeing a sinking ship is actually not an appropriate analogy - the rats weren't the ones doing the ship-sinking, after all.

My favorite quote is from Lee Fenterstock, the chief executive of Broadpoint, a smaller Manhattan financial firm snapping up these so-called banking stars like a flock of pigeons after a dropped Lucky Dog. "We have the opportunity to step into the shoes of a Bear Stearns or a Lehman," he said. Umm... didn't both those firms just fail in a fantastical and dramatic manner? I think I'd leave those shoes right where they are.

The Con-Airy in the Coal Mine

I knew things were bad economically, but I didn't realize just how bad until I found out one of my favorite celebrities is so hard up he had to sell one of his castles. One of his CASTLES, people. That's right, Nicolas Cage is no longer the owner of Schloss Neidstein. He had to sell this Bavarian castle, in which he presumably was fond of donning his Con Air wig and twirling around yelling NICOLAS CAAAAAAAAGE in the echoey great hall before sitting down to a delicious pretzel-based meal, because of these tough economic times.

Like the canary in the coal mine, Nicolas Cage is an early harbinger of the doom-times to come for all celebrities. Your superfluous residential properties are not safe, o denizens of dreamland! Not yours, Jodie Sweetin from Full House. Or yours, Ruben Studdard from American Idol. Or even yours, Nicolas Cage, former king of Schloss Neidstein. Your Majesty.

You probably think now I'm going to rant about how ridiculous it is that in this economic day and age, Nicolas Cage owned castles (he still owns at least one, in England). But you're wrong. I can't find fault with Nicolas Cage. He's Nicolas Cage. Yelly, sweaty, weird Nicolas Cage. He named his baby after Superman. He was in The Rock. Did you click on that link up above, for god's sake? He's NICOLAS CAAAAAAGE! Of course he has castles!

Paycheck, Schmaycheck--I Used to Work in FINANCE!

Today's entry in the economic dick parade is a fellow who was laid off from a private equity firm in December. I don't know what a private equity firm is, because, as I've amply demonstrated, I don't know jackity crap about money stuff. Is it where you go to purchase pork-bellies? And perhaps to engage in the selling of same? Anyway, this guy Trent Calabretta apparently made far more money as a private equitist than any 26-year-old should make, because he has enough savings to keep his Upper East Side apartment and not have to look for a job right away. He's been whiling away the hours as a TV extra, for which he gets paid $8 an hour.

Doesn't sound so bad, right? Making money in show biz, checking out Angelina Jolie, presumably resting and regrouping for an assault on the job fairs of the greater northeast. I was okay with this story until Trent had to go and douche it up:

"I’ve gotten a few paychecks as an extra, but I haven’t even looked at them yet,” Mr. Calabretta said. “My intention is to get back into finance, and in the interim, I’m going to keep doing these fun little side jobs.”

Okay, I can't believe I'm standing up for people who play pretend for a living, but fuck this guy for taking jobs away from actual extras. Yes, if being an extra is your primary source of income you might have some large problems, and yes, maybe it's time to go back to school like your mom said. And yes, it is entirely possible you are an insufferable person. But still, I bet you appreciate and use the money you earn being an extra. Not Trent! He's too good for his paychecks! They're not made of real money--he's just doing a "fun little side job"!

Can you imagine receiving a paycheck, no matter how small, and not cashing it? What kind of private equity hubris makes you that big of an arrogant asshole? "What's this envelope? Oh, it's from Gossip Girl--it must be a paycheck from my last 12-hour extra gig. I think instead of opening this, I'll toss it onto the silver ashtray in my foyer and use it to light a cigar later. Or maybe I'll just jam it up my ass. That is how little regard I have for the legal tender contained therein."

You know what minimum wage is in New York? $7.15. I wonder how many thousands of people are trying to make ends meet with their "fun little side jobs" as fast food workers and janitors. Aren't they cute? Who's a little cutie? Who's a precious little janitor making less than a nonunion TV extra? YOU ARE!

And I know it's actually really hard to get into the actors' union, but jeez, at least pretend like you're trying, dude. No one likes a scab.