Optimism!

The economic news around here has been glum and getting glummer. BMW owners having to remain BMW owners instead of becoming Infiniti owners, incompetent bankers getting perhaps a slightly smaller bonus than they expected, intentionally unemployed housewives having to mop their own floors (but not mow their own lawns--we're not savages yet): is there any hope left in the world at all? In times like these, does ANYTHING make sense?

It does! It's time to take a walk on the sunny side of the street! I actually am going to note some positive stories; I don't know why this is starting off so sarcastically. Okay. Iiiii read that book sales are up in Europe, because people are reading more. They may be reading more because they're unemployed or because they can't afford TV anymore, but it doesn't really matter, they're reading! There is nothing not positive about people reading more. Unless those fruity Europeans are just doing it to make us look bad. Or maybe they just found out about the Twilight series. I hear the continentals are nutters for sparkly Mormon vampires.

Another good thing is that apparently volunteerism is way up. Instead of just going hoboing, or swanning about complaining to the New York Times, a lot of unemployed folks are showing up at food banks and Habitat for Humanity and whatnot to work. Of course, most of the non-profits don't have the infrastructure to actually make use of the surge of volunteers, but it's the thought that counts, right?

And the third good thing is that for the first time in my lifetime, poor people are really mad at rich people. Okay, I guess that's not new--what's new is now there's a little bit of media coverage on it. It gives me hope that some of the dummies who vote Republican are waking up and realizing their party has been shitting on them for years. Maybe making a living wage IS more important than worrying about whether Joe Gay Dude down the street is going to marry his boyfriend. Oh, now I'm just talking crazy.

But does she mop her own floors?

Oh, New York Times, have you ever met a rich person you didn't feel sorry for?

Today's sob story is Ms. Ryan Moore. Her claim to recessionista fame is that, due to these tough economic times, she was forced to keep her old car instead of buying a new Infiniti EX35. Goodness gracious! How ever will she be able to show her face in her old car, a 2004 BMW that has 25,000 whole miles on it? Does the odometer even GO that high?

Silly me. I wish I'd known about this money-saving tip a few years back when I was in dire financial straits and on the very successful "I can't afford food" diet. I sure could have saved myself the trouble of trying, much less successfully, to sell plasma, an experience that ended with a lot of throwing up, the blood bank people telling me not to come back, and me running over the bush in front of my parking space when I tried to drive myself home (note to self: if too woozy to stand up, probably best not to drive).

Let them eat cake

Today’s most infuriating headline: Home Economics: Families Doing Own Chores

What? You can do your own chores?? Fuuuuuck.

Thanks, Yahoo Finance, for this incredibly helpful article detailing how a lady in Fayetteville, Arkansas is saving 10k a year by doing her own cleaning and cooking at home. I’m going to apply this immediately to my own life to save… hey, wait, I couldn’t afford any of that to begin with! I’ve been doing my own menial labor for years. Where’s my retention bonus?

I wish that lady would call me so I could enumerate the reasons why she does not, in fact, deserve a ticker tape parade on Main Street for mopping her own floors. Guess what, lady? Nobody feels sorry for you because you can’t afford as many luxuries as you used to. Here’s an ingenious idea: why don’t you GET A JOB… or perhaps a clue. My mom worked full-time AND took care of the house the entire time I was growing up, and not only did it not kill her, but no one ever even offered her a Nobel prize. I hear she wasn't even nominated. We call that “life.” On the plus side, at least that afforded her some protection from Bernie Madoff... Not a celebrity OR a major national bank OR a Nobel laureate? You can keep your unimportant life savings, peon.

The article missed a great opportunity to talk about a real problem, which is that when Mrs. I Can’t Be Bothered With My Own Laundry and all her equally overindulged friends fire their maids and lawn boys, that puts people out of work and creates ACTUAL hardship. I am constantly amazed that the media think the real story about the recession is how it's affecting Suzy (non-home-making) Home-maker and her overdeveloped sense of entitlement, when there are people who truly are having a hard time of it and probably fishing for half-eaten sandwiches in dumpsters and selling their plasma at the local blood center for $20 a shot.

In the article, Fancy Lady notes, as an aside, that her maid calls her all the time and hasn’t been able to find other work. “I feel really bad about that,” she says, as she stands in her spacious kitchen full of stainless steel and state-of-the-art appliances. Sure you do, lady.

This Is Why You're Poor: Peek-A-Baby

While visiting my family in Northern California this weekend I spotted one of those billboard / sandwich board guys holding a sign and dancing on a corner. What kind of business was he advertising? Was it a car dealership? Nope! A sandwich place? Nope (that was on the opposite corner). A furniture sale? Nope. It was for a fucking ultrasound place called PEEK-A-BABY:

Yuck. I mean I'm all for local businesses trying to make money but this is gross. Do you really need to keep looking at the baby inside the woman's stomach? I do realize how oddly phrased that last sentence was but I've decided to keep it. "Hey I can't remember if my fetus has a penis or not, better go to Peek-A-Baby for a reminder! Yup it's me again! I'd like to pay money to look at my gross half-formed baby! Is there any way we could take it out and play with it too? Oh. OK, hook her up and let's look at this fucking thing. Hey how come every time I come here it has extra limbs? Wait this is safe right?"

I guess this could also have been titled "This Is Why Your Children Are Autistic" (although my sister has a theory that the cause of that is microwave popcorn).