Today’s most infuriating headline: Home Economics: Families Doing Own Chores
What? You can do your own chores?? Fuuuuuck.
Thanks, Yahoo Finance, for this incredibly helpful article detailing how a lady in Fayetteville, Arkansas is saving 10k a year by doing her own cleaning and cooking at home. I’m going to apply this immediately to my own life to save… hey, wait, I couldn’t afford any of that to begin with! I’ve been doing my own menial labor for years. Where’s my retention bonus?
I wish that lady would call me so I could enumerate the reasons why she does not, in fact, deserve a ticker tape parade on Main Street for mopping her own floors. Guess what, lady? Nobody feels sorry for you because you can’t afford as many luxuries as you used to. Here’s an ingenious idea: why don’t you GET A JOB… or perhaps a clue. My mom worked full-time AND took care of the house the entire time I was growing up, and not only did it not kill her, but no one ever even offered her a Nobel prize. I hear she wasn't even nominated. We call that “life.” On the plus side, at least that afforded her some protection from Bernie Madoff... Not a celebrity OR a major national bank OR a Nobel laureate? You can keep your unimportant life savings, peon.
The article missed a great opportunity to talk about a real problem, which is that when Mrs. I Can’t Be Bothered With My Own Laundry and all her equally overindulged friends fire their maids and lawn boys, that puts people out of work and creates ACTUAL hardship. I am constantly amazed that the media think the real story about the recession is how it's affecting Suzy (non-home-making) Home-maker and her overdeveloped sense of entitlement, when there are people who truly are having a hard time of it and probably fishing for half-eaten sandwiches in dumpsters and selling their plasma at the local blood center for $20 a shot.
In the article, Fancy Lady notes, as an aside, that her maid calls her all the time and hasn’t been able to find other work. “I feel really bad about that,” she says, as she stands in her spacious kitchen full of stainless steel and state-of-the-art appliances. Sure you do, lady.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
This Is Why You're Poor: Peek-A-Baby
While visiting my family in Northern California this weekend I spotted one of those billboard / sandwich board guys holding a sign and dancing on a corner. What kind of business was he advertising? Was it a car dealership? Nope! A sandwich place? Nope (that was on the opposite corner). A furniture sale? Nope. It was for a fucking ultrasound place called PEEK-A-BABY:
Yuck. I mean I'm all for local businesses trying to make money but this is gross. Do you really need to keep looking at the baby inside the woman's stomach? I do realize how oddly phrased that last sentence was but I've decided to keep it. "Hey I can't remember if my fetus has a penis or not, better go to Peek-A-Baby for a reminder! Yup it's me again! I'd like to pay money to look at my gross half-formed baby! Is there any way we could take it out and play with it too? Oh. OK, hook her up and let's look at this fucking thing. Hey how come every time I come here it has extra limbs? Wait this is safe right?"
I guess this could also have been titled "This Is Why Your Children Are Autistic" (although my sister has a theory that the cause of that is microwave popcorn).
Yuck. I mean I'm all for local businesses trying to make money but this is gross. Do you really need to keep looking at the baby inside the woman's stomach? I do realize how oddly phrased that last sentence was but I've decided to keep it. "Hey I can't remember if my fetus has a penis or not, better go to Peek-A-Baby for a reminder! Yup it's me again! I'd like to pay money to look at my gross half-formed baby! Is there any way we could take it out and play with it too? Oh. OK, hook her up and let's look at this fucking thing. Hey how come every time I come here it has extra limbs? Wait this is safe right?"
I guess this could also have been titled "This Is Why Your Children Are Autistic" (although my sister has a theory that the cause of that is microwave popcorn).
Monday, March 16, 2009
"Humbled" Banker is a Dick
Today's headline story on CNN was called "Humbled Banker Parts With Yuppie Past". I thought I was about to read a heartwarming story about a rich banker who lost his job and after being forced to leave his lifestyle behind got some kind of "I learned the true meaning of Christmas!" realization and changed who he was as a person and decided material things and money aren't important. Nope. The story is about some dipshit guy Ernie Casillas, who was making a ton of money a year then lost his job and then in a "desperate move" put an ad on CRAIGSLIST asking for someone to give him a job. And now he's getting job offers. Great story CNN. Just listen to this dick:
"It took a lot for me to put that ad on Craigslist, because I had to change what I was before," he said, breaking down in tears. "I wasn't this rich little yuppie anymore, driving expensive cars, having expensive suits. I'm in this just like everybody else looking for work. It humbles you. This is real."
Wait you're crying? CRYING? Sorry I can't think of better words for this but: You are a fucking pussy. CNN goes on to point out this heartbreaking fact about him:
"he has been out of work for the past four months and now lives with his mother in suburban Los Angeles."
Awwww. Mommy's little banker lost his job and had to run home to curl up in her lap and cry. FUCK. YOU. Guess what? I'm probably going to be laid off soon. You know what I'm going to do when that happens? Go out and get drunk, then the next day I'm going to wake up, file for unemployment, and start working whatever temp jobs I can find so I can pay my rent. No crying. No moving in with my mom, just acting like a goddamn MAN about it. Oh and this is the ad he swallowed his pride to post on Craigslist:
"I have over 20 years of experience in sales, telephone sales in a call center, customer service, administrative assistant, cash handling, teller, and many more skills and abilities. Great personality, very friendly, hard worker, very responsible," it said. "I will be happy to e-mail you my resume. I need a job now. Please call my cell phone."
That's it? Oh boo hoo you had to use CRAIGSLIST, the thing us normal people use all the time to look for work, apartments, and cheap appliances (I just got a giant portable dishwasher on there for $50! Best money I've spent all year!). Here's more from the article to make you pull your hair out:
Casillas said he teared up when he first began typing the message -- that his life had come unraveled so hard and so fast. But ultimately, he said, he decided, "I'm just going to put it out there. I'm not going to be embarrassed. I'm just going to tell the whole world: I'm unemployed, and I need a job today. And the response was great. My phone kept ringing and ringing and ringing with people interested in my ability to think outside the box," he said, adding that he now has three good leads on potential jobs.
So you cry when you have to put an ad on Craigslist, then you cry to the reporter when you had to recall this embarrassing moment in your life? Sorry taking that job as a yuppie banker meant losing your balls. Also, putting an ad on Craigslist isn't thinking outside the box. You are a box. And since you started getting job offers right away this really isn't much of a story. Actually, screw it, when I get laid off this is the post I'm putting on Craigslist:
"Hi! I just got laid off! I'm not one of these rich people who got paid tons of money to do a job where they dicked around all day then got laid off and now act like they're swallowing their pride by looking for a lesser job and when they get one they're going to whine about it and talk about what they USED TO DO. I'm used to working 40 hours a week for minimal pay and even though I'll probably hate whatever job you give me I'll work my ass off at it because I'm cursed with genes which make me work too hard at crappy jobs and feel bad if I leave at the end of the day without finishing what needs to be done. P.S.: no fatties."
"It took a lot for me to put that ad on Craigslist, because I had to change what I was before," he said, breaking down in tears. "I wasn't this rich little yuppie anymore, driving expensive cars, having expensive suits. I'm in this just like everybody else looking for work. It humbles you. This is real."
Wait you're crying? CRYING? Sorry I can't think of better words for this but: You are a fucking pussy. CNN goes on to point out this heartbreaking fact about him:
"he has been out of work for the past four months and now lives with his mother in suburban Los Angeles."
Awwww. Mommy's little banker lost his job and had to run home to curl up in her lap and cry. FUCK. YOU. Guess what? I'm probably going to be laid off soon. You know what I'm going to do when that happens? Go out and get drunk, then the next day I'm going to wake up, file for unemployment, and start working whatever temp jobs I can find so I can pay my rent. No crying. No moving in with my mom, just acting like a goddamn MAN about it. Oh and this is the ad he swallowed his pride to post on Craigslist:
"I have over 20 years of experience in sales, telephone sales in a call center, customer service, administrative assistant, cash handling, teller, and many more skills and abilities. Great personality, very friendly, hard worker, very responsible," it said. "I will be happy to e-mail you my resume. I need a job now. Please call my cell phone."
That's it? Oh boo hoo you had to use CRAIGSLIST, the thing us normal people use all the time to look for work, apartments, and cheap appliances (I just got a giant portable dishwasher on there for $50! Best money I've spent all year!). Here's more from the article to make you pull your hair out:
Casillas said he teared up when he first began typing the message -- that his life had come unraveled so hard and so fast. But ultimately, he said, he decided, "I'm just going to put it out there. I'm not going to be embarrassed. I'm just going to tell the whole world: I'm unemployed, and I need a job today. And the response was great. My phone kept ringing and ringing and ringing with people interested in my ability to think outside the box," he said, adding that he now has three good leads on potential jobs.
So you cry when you have to put an ad on Craigslist, then you cry to the reporter when you had to recall this embarrassing moment in your life? Sorry taking that job as a yuppie banker meant losing your balls. Also, putting an ad on Craigslist isn't thinking outside the box. You are a box. And since you started getting job offers right away this really isn't much of a story. Actually, screw it, when I get laid off this is the post I'm putting on Craigslist:
"Hi! I just got laid off! I'm not one of these rich people who got paid tons of money to do a job where they dicked around all day then got laid off and now act like they're swallowing their pride by looking for a lesser job and when they get one they're going to whine about it and talk about what they USED TO DO. I'm used to working 40 hours a week for minimal pay and even though I'll probably hate whatever job you give me I'll work my ass off at it because I'm cursed with genes which make me work too hard at crappy jobs and feel bad if I leave at the end of the day without finishing what needs to be done. P.S.: no fatties."
It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever--HEY WHERE'S MY BLOWJOB BASKET?
Well, there isn't much I can add to the shitstorm surrounding AIG's payment of giant bailout-money bonuses to the idiot cartoon villains who got AIG into its current predicament. Evil buffoonery begets evil buffoonery. Spoiler alert.
A month or so ago, some muckity-muck at Wells Fargo took out a full-page ad in the New York Times whining about how mean we all were for getting mad when Wells Fargo continued taking its employees on junkets and retreats and whatnot after accepting bailout money. He implied--nope, straight-up stated--that by criticizing this wastefulness we were hurting the poor hardworking bank tellers and other low-level employees who just want to do a good job every day and deserve some special rewards. As if the bank tellers and security guards have anything to do with the catastrophic money-suck that is this guy's multibillion dollar shit-dick company. For shame, American taxpayers!
You know what kind of special reward I get for doing my job? A FUCKING PAYCHECK. I come in and go to work, and in return I get paid twice a month. It's a pretty sweet deal, guys. I do occasionally get a wee bonus; after taxes it's about enough to cover one electric bill and three songs from iTunes. This year we counted ourselves lucky that the company sprang for one lunch. And you know what? Despite our oft-dashed hopes for a muffin basket, we all still keep working. Waaaaaaaah where's my medal?
These CEOs argue that if they can't offer retreats and bonuses and junkets and blowjobs, they won't attract "the best and the brightest." Sirs, I submit to you that your various perks have attracted the opposite of that. Wait, is "the greediest and the rapiest" the opposite of "the best and the brightest"? I'm not so good with words. It sounds right.
Man, between the AIG stuff and Madoff's jailing, this class war is shaping up to be some good television. I keep expecting to see Madame Defarge in the background of one of the press conferences.
A month or so ago, some muckity-muck at Wells Fargo took out a full-page ad in the New York Times whining about how mean we all were for getting mad when Wells Fargo continued taking its employees on junkets and retreats and whatnot after accepting bailout money. He implied--nope, straight-up stated--that by criticizing this wastefulness we were hurting the poor hardworking bank tellers and other low-level employees who just want to do a good job every day and deserve some special rewards. As if the bank tellers and security guards have anything to do with the catastrophic money-suck that is this guy's multibillion dollar shit-dick company. For shame, American taxpayers!
You know what kind of special reward I get for doing my job? A FUCKING PAYCHECK. I come in and go to work, and in return I get paid twice a month. It's a pretty sweet deal, guys. I do occasionally get a wee bonus; after taxes it's about enough to cover one electric bill and three songs from iTunes. This year we counted ourselves lucky that the company sprang for one lunch. And you know what? Despite our oft-dashed hopes for a muffin basket, we all still keep working. Waaaaaaaah where's my medal?
These CEOs argue that if they can't offer retreats and bonuses and junkets and blowjobs, they won't attract "the best and the brightest." Sirs, I submit to you that your various perks have attracted the opposite of that. Wait, is "the greediest and the rapiest" the opposite of "the best and the brightest"? I'm not so good with words. It sounds right.
Man, between the AIG stuff and Madoff's jailing, this class war is shaping up to be some good television. I keep expecting to see Madame Defarge in the background of one of the press conferences.
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