Our Huge Prospective MBA Demographic

I love that the ads Google has deemed most related to our blog content are all for MBA programs. Like some sad businessman actually goes "Hmm. I'm all laid off and stuff now, I guess I'll use teh internets to figure out what to do next." Then he sits down and cracks his knuckles and wiggles his fingers around and googles "these tough economic times", which leads him to this blog (which wouldn't really happen since we're not showing up on Google yet). And he's all excited, "Oh boy, this blog is going to teach me how to--heyyyy wait a minute, they're making fun of me! But look, there are ads for MBA programs! Getting an MBA? What a terrific idea!" CLICK CLICK CLICK! ECONOMY FIXED!

I would bet the ones of ones of dollars we've made off of our ads that the kind of people who read this blog are not the kind of people who want an MBA from the Florida Polytechnical Institute. (This is a pretty safe bet, since I know half the people who read this are archaeologists and the other half are my parents).

Sad Irony

People in these tough economic times could learn a lot from Gandhi, who eschewed material possessions and instead focused on achieving spiritual enlightenment. Oh yeah, and India's independence.

It is only natural that the owner of Gandhi's few belongings (consisting of his eyeglasses, sandals, a bowl, a plate, and a pocketwatch), rather than using them to teach a consumer-frenzied people about what is truly meaningful in life, took those items last Thursday and sold them at auction for $1.8 MILLION.

It seems that the world has gone terribly awry when one literally puts a price tag on the belongings of an ascetic.

Ha Ha Ha Screw You Circuit City

There are a few victories in THESE TOUGH ECONOMIC TIMES. The last of the Circuit City stores are closing. Oh wait! Where will I go now to attempt to buy something but end up storming out because one of these things happened:

1. After several attempts to try and help me while I politely reply that I'm fine and don't need help, I finally give in and tell the customer service representative what I'm looking for and that I will be buying the cheapest version they have. Then he will spend the next 5 minutes trying to convince me how foolish it is to get the cheap version and if I was smart I'd buy a different one that costs twice as much, while I keep sneezing because he has too much cologne on. Then I get fed up and leave.

2. After wandering around looking at all the overpriced garbage I realize instead of paying $70 for a TV cable I should just go to the 99cent store to buy it (Even though I know I'll get lead poisoning from the 99cent store version because everything there is half lead. Even their flip flops have warnings on them).

3. I actually find something I want to buy but they won't just let me just hand them cash and then they give me change and a receipt because a transaction CAN'T BE MADE unless I give them my full name, address, and phone number. I had a guy actually refuse to let a sale go through once because I wouldn't show him my driver's license so he could take down that information. Or maybe he didn't believe that I really lived on 1234 Fart Street in Boogertown, USA.

What memories! How could a company like that go under? Oh also as their final fuck you to customers, you can't return anything you bought in their closing sale that you take home then realize is broken.

Why yes, Bank of America, I'd LOVE to get a home loan from you!

So I went to Bank of America yesterday to deposit my rent check in my landlord's account. I don't have a Bank of America account, because I keep all my money at my credit union and in my secret piggybank. A manager-type lady was my banker for the day, and here is a rough transcription of our conversation. One of my responses may have only happened in my head, but let's not let my inability to express myself verbally get in the way of a good story.

Banker: So is this going in your account?

Me: No, it's going into my landlord's account. There's his deposit slip.

Banker: You should buy a house! This is a HUGE rent payment!

Me: A mortgage payment would be huger.

Banker: No it wouldn't!

Me: Yes it would. I've done the math.

Banker: Now's a great time to buy!

Me: I'm not sure that's true.

Banker: It is! You should talk to our mortgage people!

Me: Okay lady, let me lay it out for you. Housing prices are still way overinflated around here and a down payment would eat up all of my paltry savings, leaving me with no cushion whatsoever to save me if I lost my job or got sick. This was true when interest rates were low and everyone yelled BUY BUY BUY, and it's still true now. I don't plan on staying in Reno for the 30 years it would take for a house purchase to make any financial sense. I like renting my cute 3-bedroom house with a giant yard in a nice older neighborhood, where the handyman fixes things that break, and if I decide to up and move, I can. If you think I will trust any sales pitch by a banker in these tough economic times, you are more deluded than a Rock of Love contestant. And in conclusion, how about you just deposit my check and mind your own goddamn business.

Foiled again, vultures! I know you can smell my good credit score, steady income and lack of debt, but I regret to inform you I won't be using any of it to buy a house. I'll keep renting with it, in accordance with every single "should you rent or buy?" calculator I've ever tried. Maybe for the rest of my life. Or maybe I'll do something totally frivolous with it. Maybe I'll take it down to Puerto Vallarta and get it drunk. Maybe we'll get married. Maybe we'll buy a little fishing boat and ply the azure waves. Only time will tell.

Joe Nocera is my new boyfriend

If you don't know who Joe Nocera is, he writes the Talking Business column for the New York Times (I act all smug for knowing that, but it's only because I just saw him on The Daily Show). If you want to get really angry, read his article Propping Up a House of Cards. It explains how AIG managed to chalk up the largest quarterly loss in history (possibly around $60 billion dollars) while playing hopscotch through legal loopholes and selling unregulated "credit-default swaps", which are some kind of complicated made-up things that act like insurance on securities. Banks could buy these things to transfer their risk of loss back to AIG and make it look like all their subprime-mortgage-backed securities weren't so risky, after all. Which was great, except that AIG didn't have the collateral to back up the insurance. Are you following this? They were selling fake insurance on derivatives of derivatives. Thanks for your oversight, SEC! It's like an insurance company, but without the insurance part of it! As Nocera points out, another word for this is "scam." Now the federal government has been throwing money at AIG like crazy in an attempt to forestall the end of Western civilization as we know it (well, the banking part of it, anyway).

Mr. Nocera asked a former AIG executive if he thought they were guilty of "gaming the system". The executive replied that they were just trying to satisfy their customers. Uh huh. If by "satisfy the customers" he meant "Completely fuck a whole bunch of different people due to unadulterated yet short-sighted greed." Why would they want to take responsibility for this, just because it's their fault?

Is it fun being a billionaire? Jon Stewart skins CNBC alive.

You all have probably seen this clip from The Daily Show already, but because I am cheap and do not have cable, I watched it on the wonderful Internet today. Jon Stewart takes CNBC to task on their years of bullshit business reporting and their fawning over lying CEOs. And he reserves a very special section to tear that sweat soaked a-hole Jim Cramer a new, well, a-hole. The best is at the end when CNBC "correspondent" Carl Quintanilla (I think he used to play second fiddle to that journalistic powerhouse Stone Philips on "Dateline") tosses up the biggest softball ever to Ponzi-schemer Marc Stanford. You have to hear the question for yourself. If you haven't seen this clip already, you'll wonder how you can laugh and be violently pissed off at the same time.

Washington Post Gives Wet Sloppy Tongue Kisses to Unemployed Globe Trotting Ex-Masters of the Universe

 Wish you were here, exploring emerging markets with me...

Really. With stories like these I can't wait to see the end of newspapers.

The Recessionista Responds

I see one of my fellow bloggers has cast aspersions on me. Hold up, girlfriend. There's a problem with your deconstruction of my lexiwhoozits. I'M NOT REAL. I'm pretty sure I'm a fabrication of the newspaper business, one of several These Tough Economic Times archetypes which help illustrate TTET for the dummies of the world. You know, all those people who still read newspapers. These fakey characters are still in the formation stage but so far we have:

The Sad Businessman/woman
I used to have one of those jobs where I made money off things that weren't real, like pork bellies or housing prices. Now I don't have a job and I'm all pitiful about it and some guy just came to my support group meeting and took all the doughnuts.

The Recessionista
I am one of those ladies who used to buy all the clothes (note: those ladies are also fictitious characters created by Candace Bushnell), and then my rich businessman boyfriend or husband lost his job and became sad, and then the New York Times wrote some article about how me and my girlfriends HAAAYYYY have a support group, and a lot of people got annoyed.

The Human Litter-Haver
I had eight fucking babies. I am mentally ill and have had some bad plastic surgery on my face parts. There is no way I can be a real person.

The Working Class Person
I am the guy/gal actually getting really fucked by these tough economic times. I didn't have much money to begin with, and I didn't make any stupid investments or purchases. The sad businessmen are taking all my janitorial jobs.

Oh wait, the newspapers don't actually write any articles about that guy. His descent from just above the poverty line to way below the poverty line isn't very entertaining. MORE MONSTERS HAVING LITTERS OF HUMANS PLEASE!

The Recession: A Lexicographic Examination, Entry #1

Recessionista - This is a person, usually a woman, who a scant two years ago couldn't utter a sentence that didn't include the phrases "Can I see the Jimmy Choo's in a size 6" or "I'll have another cosmopolitan." But now, in the midst of economic meltdown, she can't hold a conversation without mention of coupon clipping, crocheting, and how she's finally learning how to use the six-burner professional Viking range that's sat unused in the middle of this room called a "kitchen."

Despite her newfound frugality she still watches "Real Housewives of Orange County" and "Sex in the City" reruns religiously, and will start wielding her AmEx Gold Card once her husband finishes up that sentence for investment fraud.

See the Man With the Harvard MBA? Get Him.

As we sit back and survey the smoking crater that is currently the American economy a question naturally comes to mind: who crashed the fucking plane? The insatiable American consumer, who couldn't pass a McMansion, sweatshop-crafted Vuitton handbag or Hummer without gobbling it up like a plate of jalepeno poppers at Chili's, played a very acclaimed supporting role, but it appears that graduates from a handful of elite business schools may just win the Oscar for best lead actor in this miserable fucking drama that is quickly becoming our generation's Depression. Harvard MBAs lead the pack, followed closely by graduates from NYU's Stern School of business, then Cornell. The Harvard connection is not that surprising considering Shrub himself, George W. Bush, somehow got himself graduated with an MBA from that illustrious institution.

This is really the name of a law firm...

Anderson Kill Wood & Bender.

THEN vs NOW

OK once again let's clear things up. This recession we're going through is NOT LIKE THE GREAT DEPRESSION. AT ALL. Here are a few points to help clarify this:

"I'm hungry!"

THIS RECESSION: I think I'll go use my credit card and buy some food at the fully stocked grocery store. Excuse me are these apples organic? Helloooo? Do you even speak English?
THE GREAT DEPRESSION: Fuck you, eat your kids.

"I lost my job!"

THE GREAT DEPRESSION: I might have to move to California to find work. This dust storm sucks anyways. Pack up family! We're goin' west!
THIS RECESSION: I'm going to just hide in one of the closets in my 8 bedroom house with one of those silver emergency blankets wrapped around my head. Then months later I'll crawl out and take a less desirable job for less money but compare it to the Holocaust.

"I'm almost out of cash!"

THE GREAT DEPRESSION: Better hide this in my mattress and play the fiddle till this all passes!
THIS RECESSION: Wait, I can only afford an older generation iPod? I'd better murder my whole family!

I'm predicting that it's only a matter of time before we see a goddamn photo of some laid off businessman or woman wearing fucking OVERALLS because THAT'S ALL THEY HAVE LEFT TO WEAR. Because they're SO POOR now. However if we see one of them wearing nothing but a barrel, that person deserves a high five.

Fate worse than death!

Quotation of the day in yesterday's New York Times:

"It has been the hardest thing in my life. It has been harder than my divorce from my husband. It has really been even worse than the death of my mother."
-Ame Arlt

Holy tough economic times, batman! The absolute worst thing ever in her whole entire life! What could possibly have happened to this poor lady? Did she contract a debilitating disease? Did her children get kidnapped? No, she had to take an hourly wage job. That's it. Just a regular old job. I understand that going from a high-paying executive job to a less lucrative one is not a favorable change, but worse than the death of your mother? Really? If she had to choose between having her mother alive or having a better job, she'd choose the job? That settles it. Hourly wage jobs are, indeed, worse than death.

I looked up her mother's obitiuary. Mom died of cancer several years ago. Well, at least she never had to experience the heart-wrenching despair of the non-salaried workplace. I mean, she got off pretty easy, when you think about it. Cancer is probably like a fucking picnic compared to an hourly wage job. Except for the part where there's no picnic, and then you die.

The article mentions that this woman also used to have a tack store and equestrian magazine, which explains a lot. I know this woman. I used to work at a fancy dressage stable that was full of them. Like the one who had to import her new horse from Sweden, because Lord knows there weren't any decent horses in THIS country. Like the one who bought a $30,000 show horse for her pre-pubescent daughter, because little Betty Lou would be so upset if she didn't win ribbons at all the shows. There is still a review of Ms. Arlt's now-closed tack store online; the user describes it as having "Snooty staff, high prices, zero customer service." She says that the staff appeared to be annoyed at a commoner breathing their air.

Maybe there is justice in the world after all (but I'm still waiting for my ex to get hit by a bus before I will say I believe in karma).

You Wanna Be Mad? Harry Markopolous Is Gonna Make You F-in' Irate!

Mild mannered math nerds don't usually don't achieve folk hero status, but Harry Markopolous is a guy who deserves a Depression-era ditty written about him. For those of you who didn't see him shaking his fist and raising his voice in a congressional hearing a couple of weeks back, or missed 60 Minutes last night because you were too busy watching idiots get punched in the nuts on AFV, Harry Markopolous is the guy who started blowing the whistle on Bernie Madoff back in 2001. For eight years he duly alerted the SEC that Madoff was running a scam, and for eight years they ignored him, indtead focusing their resources on public enemy number one Martha Stewart. For all Stewart's crimes, her alleged insider trading is the least egregious. But Madoff got off. And would have kept getting off if everything remained peaches and cream in the stock market. If you didn't watch 60 Minutes, you owe it to yourself to see for yourself what a giant fuckup this was on the part of the government. Or was it a fuckup? Was the SEC in bed with Madoff? Stranger things have happened.

More Assholery

For such a so-called "liberal" paper, the New York Times is sure working overtime these days to provide the city's rich folk with a shoulder to cry on. Check out this article about a top New York City real estate agent giving up her Rolls fucking Royce in favor of - gasp! - an Audi station wagon! To look less pretentious.

"Ms. Baum said she could still afford the monthly lease — upward of $3,000 — and the high costs of repairing and garaging the car. She’s giving it up, she said, only because she has come to feel deeply uncomfortable riding around in the Rolls, spacious and well-appointed though it may be. 'I want to adjust to the times,' Ms. Baum said as she and Mr. Jaffeer stopped outside 580 Park Avenue, one of the city’s more prestigious prewar co-op buildings."

Really now, we wouldn't want mummy rolling up to Spoiled Brat Country Day in the Audi, now would we! Talk about embarrassing. Nothing says "one step away from food stamps" like having to trade down for a goddamn German engineered station wagon. Please tell me it's at least an A8 and not one of those lowly A4s, or, God forbid, an A3. Then you might as well just take your clients on the bus.

MONEY SAVING TIPS!

So far in these tough economic times I think the thing that has bothered me most are the articles and stories on the news that provide MONEY SAVING TIPS! Then you read on and see these aren't really tips, but basic common sense things that if you didn't do already, then you're a fucking moron. Here are some actual suggestions I've read:

-"Make a monthly budget" - Really? You can do that? You mean I can look at how much money I'm bringing in, then determine how much I have per month to spend on certain things? OK I'll try it. Oops! Looks like I can't afford this fancy car or giant house after all. Someone bail me out please! FAAAART!!!!

-"Wait and buy things when they are on sale" Do most people just blindly buy things without looking if they might be on sale somewhere else? Or even stop and think that you don't need whatever it is right now and can wait and get it when it's cheaper?

-"Don't buy things you don't need". Oh you mean dipshit gadgets like iphones and fancy speakers and giant flat screen TVs that before you said were must-have items?

-"Cook dinner instead of going out every meal" - Wait you mean buying groceries and then cooking them yourself is cheaper than going out? You can do that? But then who's going to do the dishes? Oh.

-"Make your own coffee instead of going to Starbucks". You can make coffee at home?????? FUUUUUCK!!!!!!

-"Don't buy name brand versions of food" - You mean I don't have to spend $5.99 on this box of cereal with the bird on it? I can go to Trader Joe's and buy their knock off version (that's actually better for you) for $1.99?

If you don't already do the above things then I hope you become a bum. In fact I hope these tough economic times produce a whole new bum race made up of stupid people who have lost all their money because they didn't have common sense. Unlike the old bums who were crazy and you felt sorry for, with these new ones you can freely mock and throw things at them.

Soon: a post where I reveal some actual money saving tips that work.

YOU POOR BUSINESSMEN!

My goodness. I read a newspaper the other day and you would not believe how rough a time businessmen are having these days! Some of them are have become so depressed they have to go to support groups to talk about how they're sad that they have to find new jobs that are beneath them.

These guys are the biggest goddamn babies on the planet. You know they probably applied to maybe two jobs then when they didn't get them they fell backwards onto a fainting couch with their hands to their foreheads and moaned about how they can't find work. Then to be extra dramatic they went out and got whatever job would be the most extreme opposite of their high paid job, just for pity (and hopefully so they could also get on the news for more pity). "I WENT FROM RICH INVESTMENT BANKER TO A GUY WHO HAS TO SMELL HOMELESS MEN'S DOGS' ASSES ALL DAY LONG. EVEN THOUGH THAT ACTUALLY ISN'T A JOB. BUT LOOK AT WHAT I'VE BECOME THANKS TO THE ECONOMY COLLAPSING." Yup you have to be one extreme or the other huh? Because there are definitely no jobs in between being the CEO of a company or the guy who cleans the toilets. Or the most pathetic of all, wearing a sandwich board saying you're an out of work businessman looking for a job. And now you have to go meet up with other sad sacks to whine about it.

This is an insult to support groups for people who have real grievances and addictions where they really need to talk about it and get support from people who have been in their shoes. These groups for sad businessmen make me want to just start slapping people (businessmen specifically).

I would love to sit in on one of their sessions. One of them would talk about how he used to run a Real Estate office and now he has to wash gutters using his tears. Then they'd all nod their heads and tell him he's being strong and I'd break the mood with fake crying and mimicking whatever he said last (also I'd have my chair flipped around so I'm sitting in it 'cool guy style'). Then if they say I don't know what it feels like to be in their situation I'll tell them about how when I was in between jobs a few years ago and had rent to pay I moved boxes for $10 an hour. Or I could mention the countless other random shitty jobs I've done in between full time jobs since half the places I've worked for have gone out of business. I didn't whine about it like a little girl, I showed up, did what I needed to do, then went home and drank beer. Oh also I didn't spend money I didn't have so I didn't get $30,000 in credit card debt. Then before the businessmen have a chance to respond I'm going to walk over and grab all the donuts and leave while flipping them the bird.

This year I can only afford the mink jacket instead of a whole coat, wah!

You can tell that these times are really tough, economically speaking, by reading in The New York Times and The San Francisco Chronicle about how rich people are having to be slightly inconvenienced. Why, just today I read a story about how a guy who had previously had some sort of snooty management job was laid off and had to take a job as a JANITOR! Well, I never! Having to work at an unappealing job just to make money, of all things. That shit is for COMMON FOLKS. And to top it all off, the poor dear is worried about making enough money to keep his 4 bedroom house, which he shares with one other person (his wife). Oh no! Quick, everybody, start a collection. I like that the photo accompanying the article shows the couple praying. Hey, you know what I've found makes more money than praying? WORKING. And not living in a luxurious 4 bedroom house. But who knows, maybe God is going to be all, "Screw those poor people living in slums with no health insurance, I'm really worried about the Richy Richersons having to suffer through a slight decrease in their currently extremely high standard of living."

My second favorite subject consists of the people who got married and bought ginormous expensive houses that they couldn't afford, and now, not only can they REALLY not afford the houses, but they don't like each other anymore and yet can't afford to get divorced. Those poor, poor things! They made long-term decisions about their lives just like grown-ups and now they're having to live with the consequences! THAT IS SO NOT FAIR - NOBODY TOLD ME I WOULD HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE RESULTS OF MY POOR DECISION-MAKING. One bail-out, please.