Looks Like Somebody's Got Money These Days...

Hippies...

How To Fit In When Using Public Transportation: Hobo Slang Lesson 1

Let's face it. If this country keeps heading the direction we're in (experiencing slight inconveniences in our spending budgets) then we might as well just accept that it's a matter of months before we're all riding the fucking rails. And by that I mean "public transportation". What? You've never ridden a bus or subway before? What if the common folk spot you as an outsider and try to eat you?

Here's how to fit in: Hobo Slang! Hobo Slang has been passed on from the original old timey bums who hopped on trains to the modern dirty bum low class people who take public transportation and now on to you! Here are a few examples of hobo slang and how to use it. Pay attention or you'll look like a sweet back (someone only sampling hobo life)!

LESSON 1:

Bindle Stick: your polka dot bandanna full of belongings tied to a stick.
"Let me pull this single lima bean out of my bindle stick and split it with a knife so we can share it!"

Zook: an old worn out prostitute.
"Hi I'm a Zook! What's your name?"

Beagles: hot dogs
"Beagles! Beagles! I love Beagles!"

Chicken In The Clay: A chicken rolled in mud and then roasted.
"What the fuck do you mean I can't start a fire in the middle of the bus? I'm trying to cook a fucking chicken in the clay!"

The Big Burg: New York City
"Eyy This isn't-a how they-a make-a pizza in The Big Burg!"
Other hobo slang for New York City: Big Town (BE WARNED: Big Town is hobo slang for both New York AND Chicago so using Big Town in the above sentence could bring on a NY vs Chicago style pizza debate).

Clay On The Shuck: ears of corn rolled in clay and set out to roast
"Hey fellow passengers I'm making a Clay on the-wait why the fuck am I covering food with mud before I cook it?"

Dummy: A tramp that pretends to be deaf and dumb
"I can't pay the bus fare today. I'm Helen Keller! I mean I'm a dummy!"

Fag: a) a cigarette butt, b) a young hobo with homosexual tendencies
"Pardon me do you have a lighter? I think after this cigarette I'm going to attempt to have homosexual intercourse with that fag in the back of the subway"

Glomming The Grapevine: stealing clothes from a clothesline
"You wouldn't believe the deals at the Macy's sale this weekend! I felt like I was glommerganging the gloomerzang... oooh I can never get this hobo slang stuff right! Fuck it I'm getting a cab and putting it on my credit card! Hey how do you get off this thing? Conductor! Stop this bus immediately!"

Now go try those out and stay tuned for lesson 2!!!!

Recessionista. Meet the Depressionista.

Screw you Miss FancyPants Recessionista, with your free online grocery coupons and bags of prewashed arugula, the Depressionista is in the house (well, the foreclosed faux-Tuscan mini-manse in Elk Grove that's about to be snapped up for dimes on the dollar by some shady ex-Countrywide exec, but in the house nonetheless). Shattering the stereotype of the tech-averse geriatric who wouldn't know YouTube from a catheter tube, 93-year old Clara has her own Depression-era cooking channel. While thankfully short on recipes that I would've normally associated with Depression-era cuisine (no possum soup, squirrel soup, or any other soup made from small rodents) it is eerily similar to cheap ass bachelor food I ate in college and still enjoy when my wife is out of town. Throw a bunch of shit in a pan, fry it up, then put ketchup on it. If it tasted as horrible as it looked, well, you could always go and get pizza. I don't think pizza was an option during the Depression. Some things are surprising. Clara uses olive oil in some of her recipes and I wonder how available a good extra virgin olive oil was in 1933. I tend to think of the Depression as a Crisco and lard kinda time. Anyway, study up, because when things get really bad, like hock your iPhone at Slim's Gold 'n' Guns Pawn Palace bad, you may need to have a few extra kidney bean and potato recipes up your sleeve.

I totally did not make this up

I like to make fun of the jackasses who took out stupid loans to finance their unreasonable lifestyles as much as the next guy. Silly me, I bought a crappy little house in a crappy ghetto neighborhood (Motto: Even the cops won't come here!) because that's what I could afford; if I'd known I could have gotten bailed out of an adjustable rate mortgage on a fancy schmancy house with new-fangled luxuries like air-conditioning and functional doors, I certainly would have.

However, I read an article in the newspaper today that sheds light on a different facet of the housing crisis. While there were many people who were greedy and stupid, there were also some people who were just plain and simple stupid. A whole group of people in New York City apparently got swindled out of their houses by a company called "Home Savers"*, which promised to help them get out of debt by refinancing their mortgages but in actuality tricked the people out of the titles to their houses in order to get overinflated mortgages from IndyMac. I have pretty much zero financial or real estate savvy, but I think that even I would recognize a scam such as this, especially right about the time that I signed over the deed to my house. The article is mainly about one sad little old lady named Waver Brickhouse, for whom I actually do feel sorry. It would be nice to live in a world where people don't go out of their way to steal houses from little old ladies.

In any case, this story brings to the forefront another important point, which is that somewhere in New York City is a housing crisis victim whose actual name is Waver Brickhouse.

*I like that the house-stealing company is named "Home Savers". It's like the happy names that Bush gave to things to cover up their devious intent, like the "Healthy Forest Initiative" that allowed clear-cutting on National Forests with no environmental review, or "Enhanced Interrogation", which meant government-sanctioned torture.