So far in these tough economic times I think the thing that has bothered me most are the articles and stories on the news that provide MONEY SAVING TIPS! Then you read on and see these aren't really tips, but basic common sense things that if you didn't do already, then you're a fucking moron. Here are some actual suggestions I've read:
-"Make a monthly budget" - Really? You can do that? You mean I can look at how much money I'm bringing in, then determine how much I have per month to spend on certain things? OK I'll try it. Oops! Looks like I can't afford this fancy car or giant house after all. Someone bail me out please! FAAAART!!!!
-"Wait and buy things when they are on sale" Do most people just blindly buy things without looking if they might be on sale somewhere else? Or even stop and think that you don't need whatever it is right now and can wait and get it when it's cheaper?
-"Don't buy things you don't need". Oh you mean dipshit gadgets like iphones and fancy speakers and giant flat screen TVs that before you said were must-have items?
-"Cook dinner instead of going out every meal" - Wait you mean buying groceries and then cooking them yourself is cheaper than going out? You can do that? But then who's going to do the dishes? Oh.
-"Make your own coffee instead of going to Starbucks". You can make coffee at home?????? FUUUUUCK!!!!!!
-"Don't buy name brand versions of food" - You mean I don't have to spend $5.99 on this box of cereal with the bird on it? I can go to Trader Joe's and buy their knock off version (that's actually better for you) for $1.99?
If you don't already do the above things then I hope you become a bum. In fact I hope these tough economic times produce a whole new bum race made up of stupid people who have lost all their money because they didn't have common sense. Unlike the old bums who were crazy and you felt sorry for, with these new ones you can freely mock and throw things at them.
Soon: a post where I reveal some actual money saving tips that work.
Monday, March 2, 2009
YOU POOR BUSINESSMEN!
My goodness. I read a newspaper the other day and you would not believe how rough a time businessmen are having these days! Some of them are have become so depressed they have to go to support groups to talk about how they're sad that they have to find new jobs that are beneath them.
These guys are the biggest goddamn babies on the planet. You know they probably applied to maybe two jobs then when they didn't get them they fell backwards onto a fainting couch with their hands to their foreheads and moaned about how they can't find work. Then to be extra dramatic they went out and got whatever job would be the most extreme opposite of their high paid job, just for pity (and hopefully so they could also get on the news for more pity). "I WENT FROM RICH INVESTMENT BANKER TO A GUY WHO HAS TO SMELL HOMELESS MEN'S DOGS' ASSES ALL DAY LONG. EVEN THOUGH THAT ACTUALLY ISN'T A JOB. BUT LOOK AT WHAT I'VE BECOME THANKS TO THE ECONOMY COLLAPSING." Yup you have to be one extreme or the other huh? Because there are definitely no jobs in between being the CEO of a company or the guy who cleans the toilets. Or the most pathetic of all, wearing a sandwich board saying you're an out of work businessman looking for a job. And now you have to go meet up with other sad sacks to whine about it.
This is an insult to support groups for people who have real grievances and addictions where they really need to talk about it and get support from people who have been in their shoes. These groups for sad businessmen make me want to just start slapping people (businessmen specifically).
I would love to sit in on one of their sessions. One of them would talk about how he used to run a Real Estate office and now he has to wash gutters using his tears. Then they'd all nod their heads and tell him he's being strong and I'd break the mood with fake crying and mimicking whatever he said last (also I'd have my chair flipped around so I'm sitting in it 'cool guy style'). Then if they say I don't know what it feels like to be in their situation I'll tell them about how when I was in between jobs a few years ago and had rent to pay I moved boxes for $10 an hour. Or I could mention the countless other random shitty jobs I've done in between full time jobs since half the places I've worked for have gone out of business. I didn't whine about it like a little girl, I showed up, did what I needed to do, then went home and drank beer. Oh also I didn't spend money I didn't have so I didn't get $30,000 in credit card debt. Then before the businessmen have a chance to respond I'm going to walk over and grab all the donuts and leave while flipping them the bird.
These guys are the biggest goddamn babies on the planet. You know they probably applied to maybe two jobs then when they didn't get them they fell backwards onto a fainting couch with their hands to their foreheads and moaned about how they can't find work. Then to be extra dramatic they went out and got whatever job would be the most extreme opposite of their high paid job, just for pity (and hopefully so they could also get on the news for more pity). "I WENT FROM RICH INVESTMENT BANKER TO A GUY WHO HAS TO SMELL HOMELESS MEN'S DOGS' ASSES ALL DAY LONG. EVEN THOUGH THAT ACTUALLY ISN'T A JOB. BUT LOOK AT WHAT I'VE BECOME THANKS TO THE ECONOMY COLLAPSING." Yup you have to be one extreme or the other huh? Because there are definitely no jobs in between being the CEO of a company or the guy who cleans the toilets. Or the most pathetic of all, wearing a sandwich board saying you're an out of work businessman looking for a job. And now you have to go meet up with other sad sacks to whine about it.
This is an insult to support groups for people who have real grievances and addictions where they really need to talk about it and get support from people who have been in their shoes. These groups for sad businessmen make me want to just start slapping people (businessmen specifically).
I would love to sit in on one of their sessions. One of them would talk about how he used to run a Real Estate office and now he has to wash gutters using his tears. Then they'd all nod their heads and tell him he's being strong and I'd break the mood with fake crying and mimicking whatever he said last (also I'd have my chair flipped around so I'm sitting in it 'cool guy style'). Then if they say I don't know what it feels like to be in their situation I'll tell them about how when I was in between jobs a few years ago and had rent to pay I moved boxes for $10 an hour. Or I could mention the countless other random shitty jobs I've done in between full time jobs since half the places I've worked for have gone out of business. I didn't whine about it like a little girl, I showed up, did what I needed to do, then went home and drank beer. Oh also I didn't spend money I didn't have so I didn't get $30,000 in credit card debt. Then before the businessmen have a chance to respond I'm going to walk over and grab all the donuts and leave while flipping them the bird.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
This year I can only afford the mink jacket instead of a whole coat, wah!
You can tell that these times are really tough, economically speaking, by reading in The New York Times and The San Francisco Chronicle about how rich people are having to be slightly inconvenienced. Why, just today I read a story about how a guy who had previously had some sort of snooty management job was laid off and had to take a job as a JANITOR! Well, I never! Having to work at an unappealing job just to make money, of all things. That shit is for COMMON FOLKS. And to top it all off, the poor dear is worried about making enough money to keep his 4 bedroom house, which he shares with one other person (his wife). Oh no! Quick, everybody, start a collection. I like that the photo accompanying the article shows the couple praying. Hey, you know what I've found makes more money than praying? WORKING. And not living in a luxurious 4 bedroom house. But who knows, maybe God is going to be all, "Screw those poor people living in slums with no health insurance, I'm really worried about the Richy Richersons having to suffer through a slight decrease in their currently extremely high standard of living."
My second favorite subject consists of the people who got married and bought ginormous expensive houses that they couldn't afford, and now, not only can they REALLY not afford the houses, but they don't like each other anymore and yet can't afford to get divorced. Those poor, poor things! They made long-term decisions about their lives just like grown-ups and now they're having to live with the consequences! THAT IS SO NOT FAIR - NOBODY TOLD ME I WOULD HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE RESULTS OF MY POOR DECISION-MAKING. One bail-out, please.
My second favorite subject consists of the people who got married and bought ginormous expensive houses that they couldn't afford, and now, not only can they REALLY not afford the houses, but they don't like each other anymore and yet can't afford to get divorced. Those poor, poor things! They made long-term decisions about their lives just like grown-ups and now they're having to live with the consequences! THAT IS SO NOT FAIR - NOBODY TOLD ME I WOULD HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE RESULTS OF MY POOR DECISION-MAKING. One bail-out, please.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Screw You, Rich People
YAY OBAMA'S TAXING THE RICH!
I am so pleased with this. Finally all those ascot-wearing, monocle-polishing dickbags will have to pay their share. Tax them! Tax them up good! I love it! Already the whining has started in the New York Times--you know, "$250,000 sounds like a lot to mouth-breathers in the Midwest but here in NEW YORK and I hear also in CALIFORNIA (the New York of the West) it's really not very much money at all and rich people are just like you poor people because they also bought houses they couldn't afford and used their credit cards too much and it's not faaaaaaaiiiiiir."
SHUT UP SHUT UP! Two hundred and fifty thousand dollars a year is a hell of a lot of money. If you can't live on that you are an idiot and give it to me please. Okay, I grant that it's not enough money if you have major medical bills, since our horrible health insurance situation is capable of bankrupting the richiest rich. But wait, no, I take that back; if you make $250,000 a year you can afford good health insurance that actually pays for things, unlike my health insurance which takes $160 a month out of my paycheck and then makes me pay for my own annual Pap smear.
But I digress. I barely make fifty thousand dollars a year and I live quite comfortably. Granted, I live in Reno, but I could make it in the New York of the West too. I bet I could even live in the New York of the East*--I did it once, as an unpaid intern. I lived in a house for wayward women on the Upper West Side and I survived on rice and beans and bagels left over from Late Night writers' meetings. On my current salary, I bet I could afford to rent a studio in Queens and even go out to eat once a week. And you know what, New York Times? PEOPLE DO THAT EVERY DAY.
So all you two hundred and fifty thousandaires can go ahead and suck it. In these tough economic times.
*I should make it clear that I never want to live in Manhattan again. The buildings are too tall and it's too cold and the smell of roasting chestnuts makes me want to puke.
I am so pleased with this. Finally all those ascot-wearing, monocle-polishing dickbags will have to pay their share. Tax them! Tax them up good! I love it! Already the whining has started in the New York Times--you know, "$250,000 sounds like a lot to mouth-breathers in the Midwest but here in NEW YORK and I hear also in CALIFORNIA (the New York of the West) it's really not very much money at all and rich people are just like you poor people because they also bought houses they couldn't afford and used their credit cards too much and it's not faaaaaaaiiiiiir."
SHUT UP SHUT UP! Two hundred and fifty thousand dollars a year is a hell of a lot of money. If you can't live on that you are an idiot and give it to me please. Okay, I grant that it's not enough money if you have major medical bills, since our horrible health insurance situation is capable of bankrupting the richiest rich. But wait, no, I take that back; if you make $250,000 a year you can afford good health insurance that actually pays for things, unlike my health insurance which takes $160 a month out of my paycheck and then makes me pay for my own annual Pap smear.
But I digress. I barely make fifty thousand dollars a year and I live quite comfortably. Granted, I live in Reno, but I could make it in the New York of the West too. I bet I could even live in the New York of the East*--I did it once, as an unpaid intern. I lived in a house for wayward women on the Upper West Side and I survived on rice and beans and bagels left over from Late Night writers' meetings. On my current salary, I bet I could afford to rent a studio in Queens and even go out to eat once a week. And you know what, New York Times? PEOPLE DO THAT EVERY DAY.
So all you two hundred and fifty thousandaires can go ahead and suck it. In these tough economic times.
*I should make it clear that I never want to live in Manhattan again. The buildings are too tall and it's too cold and the smell of roasting chestnuts makes me want to puke.
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